Okay you guys, listen up: Valentine’s Day is sooner than we all realised. I have dedicated every waking hour to making my Labour Day present for you all and it isn’t for weeks! LOL! I’ve spent this whole time trying to get you all pregnant for Labour Day and I didn’t even need to worry yet! What a goose I’ve been running round this whole city trying to sex you all up and it turns out I should have been worrying about Valentine’s Day all the while! Egg on my face much?! As if Valentine’s Day has anything to do with sex! What a noob!
Luckily I have cottoned on just in time to save the day as per usual. Stop worrying about what to get that special someone on Singles-Suck Day and start reading about it right here in this really good and comprehensive list I’ve made…
What to get for “the girl who has everything”: don’t get her anything! That one is easy. Next!
For “your local deli man”: see if you can smuggle him some exotic cheeses from Brunswick West or an outer suburb. I’m not sure what border control is like once you cross the 86 tram line but it will be worth the anal discomfort to see the smile on Pasquale’s face when you present him with a wheel of Cragieburn’s finest cheddar. Trust me, if making out with your deli man is your goal this V Day, you won’t be disappointed.
For “Vince”: when Vince was a baby his favourite present was the box his present came in. Hahaha what an idiot! A perfectly good present and all he wanted was the box! So whatever you do don’t get Vince a teething ring for Valentine’s Day, he will just throw it aside like he always does and start playing choo-choo-trains with the box. And don’t think you can take him to Noodle Box for a romantic date either because Vince thinks that Noodle Box is just a shop for boxes. He doesn’t even know that noodles are served there! When Vince is really hungry we all go to Noodle Box for dinner and while he is trying to fit his head in a box we all eat delicious noodles and leave feeling so satisfied. But not Vince! He leaves feeling hungry and sad because he never can fit his head in a Noodle Box box. So probably just get him a bag of food, Vince hates bags.
For “James Baker”: whatever you do don’t give James the crusts of your sandwiches, that boy’s hair is curly enough! (actually, probably don’t ever give crusts as a Valentine’s present, unless your Valentine is a duck which is frankly the most adorable thing I ever heard). Anyway, why would you want a duck for your Valentine when you could have James freaking Baker?! Get him something really suave like a car radio or a golden bracelet and he will probably kiss you on the lips!
For “my Mum”: I don’t care what you get for my mum, just make sure it’s good, she’s my mum you jerk!
For “Michelle”: I don’t think Michelle knows how iPhones work because she doesn’t have one. So get her some iPhone lessons for the big day and she will love you just as soon as she figures out how to swipe right for you on Tinder. What could be more romantic? Only it’s too bad Michelle can’t tell her left from her right! ROFL! Sucks to be you who spent all your money on expensive iPhone lessons when Michelle really needs basic life lessons about how to be a functioning person! Hey Michelle! Do you even know how to spell #ILY? You will never find true love on an iPhone or at a roundabout unless it’s with a policeman pulling you over for going right instead of left! Roundabouts aren’t Tinder Michelle! And learn how to spell #
For “Leo”: If a single one of you gives Leo a compliment for Valentine’s Day I will noogie you all the way into premature baldness. His head is getting so big there is not a bonnet in the world that would fit it. And Leo loves his bonnets! He normally wears a bonnet all year round - not just in summer time but winter time as well! The kindest gift you could give Leo this Valentine’s is to be meaner to him than ever. If you see him drinking a milkshake in the street, stride right up and extinguish your cigarette in it! Or yell out something like, “hey Leo, Leo! No not you Leo, the more handsome, artistic, intellectual one behind you!” And when he looks to see the pretend better Leo, extinguish your cigarette in his milkshake! That Leo, always drinking milkshakes!
For “Laura”: Laura has never had a single Valentine. Not even in her wildest dreams. Which is sad because she has stopped eating so many pickled onions and she has gotten her night terrors in check. You could get Laura an old newspaper or make her go to work for you and she will just think that is what a Valentine’s present is. She will be so happy to have finally gotten a Valentine that she won’t even mind that it is to stand in line for you at Centrelink! LOL Laura! Doing a menial task isn’t what a Valentine is! They are supposed to be nice like a romantic dinner or naked hugging or watching an entire season of the Gilmore Girls. I haven’t reported my income for eight weeks and now you are standing in line for me at Centrelink without the proper paperwork because you think I love you when I don’t! Gosh Laura, you can be such a Rory!
For “me”: OMG you guuuuuys, stop! You don’t have to get me anything! Seriously, let’s make a pact: no presents this year, okay? Buuuuut, if you did want to get me something (and that is what no presents means, it means surprise me with an amazing secret present) you could get yourself pregnant by Labour Day? Kay? Knocking you all up myself is exhausting and I’m not saying you have them but I’m scared of crabs and I don’t know how sex works. If it’s just naked hugging then why is it so noisy when my housemate does it? And anyway, it’s your Labour Day present you selfish fertile jerk!
Loooooooooove yooooooooou! xoxo